Classic rock band “Crooked Sausage” released their first new single in 16 years today, with all proceeds to go to charity.

Guitarist Trevor Smith, once voted as having the most mind-numbingly boring name in Rock & Roll, performed the song at a press conference in London today, East Coast Time. He was joined by another veteran of the group, drummer Rodney von Glück.

Sausage

“We done it in the memory of Barry,” said Smith, his eyes glistening with drug-induced emotion. “If he was still alive today, he… well, he wouldn’t be dead, see wha’ I mean?”

Smith was referring to lead singer Barry Lithium-Battery, who died (or went flat) in 1992 as a result of PMLHNS.

“It’s because of Barry that we are donating all profits to the PMLHNS Foundation,” said von Glück, who has just spent a year as Santa Claus for tax purposes. “After we’ve taken our cut, of course.”

PMLHNS, or Poor Monkey Lost His Nees Syndrome, was first observed in African primates in the early 1980s. Dr Gott Äpoo, a brilliant German scientist but atrocious speller, noticed that many monkeys were becoming stricken with a mysterious malady – their knees would suddenly drop off, leaving them crippled, helpless, and decidedly wobbly. In a matter of years the disease made the jump from ape to rock star. Despite billions of dollars and copious amounts of purple haze-inducing drugs, a cure has never been found, and aging rock stars everywhere are in danger of becoming kneeless, pathetic shadows of their former oversexed selves.

The new single, entitled “Help, My Knees Just Dropped Off”, is technically an instrumental, although Smith claims otherwise.

“It’s got words,” he said. “It’s just there was no one to sing them. Barry’s dead, see?”

The song also lacks a contribution from bass player Roger Ed Dayley, who fell down a hole in 2001 and still hasn’t managed to climb out.

“We urge everyone to go out and buy our new single,” said von Glück. “With your assistance, we can save our aging rockers. They really kneed your help…”

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